April 9, 2024
Thinking back on the prior entry about CrossCode and Altered Carbon, i've just been kind of ruminating on how applicable the sentiments there have been, namely regarding my own life.
It feels wayyyy too easy to get caught up in the idea of a "true self", asking questions like "how real am I?" I want to say we as people often feel best affirmed when we can match ourselves up in some way to those around us. It's why people always say things online like "am I the only one who ____?" If we don't know what's right or what's wrong, we absorb it from those around us... And even if we do believe we know what's right, we still want to make sure we're on the right track.
And I guess with that in mind it's easy to lose track of "the self", or whatever you think the self means...? Every once in a while I feel like I'm questioning myself. How much of the way I am is really me? Am I "faking" my personality? My interests? My gender? My sadness? My happiness? I pick apart all the incongruences in my history and my life and use them as supporting evidence to say that I've become something "less than real"...
I quickly remember though that those things are irrelevant. If the me I am now doesn't align with the me I was before, all that means is I've become a different person. And I'm always a different person. One year later, one month later, one minute later, one second. Everyone is always different than before... so I feel like if you're worried that a certain part of you isn't actually you, then it actually is. Even the mask you put on for that one person that one time is you in some form. And isn't that beautiful? We're not walking books meant to have our inconsistencies poked and prodded at. We're humans who bend and twist and grow and erode and all that fun stuff. I think that rules!!!
So I don't know. I'm trying to be a lot less hard on myself about that sort of thing! Reality is whatever I'm currently living. There's no point in trying to pick apart the "validity" or the "authenticity" of the things that make up me. I'm valid by virtue of being alive. I'm authentic because all my actions are my own. Parts of the world will say otherwise, but I have great friends and family who acknowledge my truth for what it is. Can't complain about that!